If there is one rule in the RP church, it's that people have to be nice. This sets the church up for the most vile abuses, because the abuser can always figure out how to reframe the abuse so that the victim gets blamed. So, abusers thrive and victims get ostracized and shunned.
In my experience, the most common abuse that happens in the RP church is from those in authority to those under authority - elder->member, husband->wife, parent->child. These kinds of abuses are common to humanity, so there's no real shock there, but the problem is how the church deals with those abuses.
I relayed some of the abuse I suffered as a child, and my pastor simply said "well, we don't agree." In other words, I think I was abused, my pastor disagrees. End of story. But, why would he disagree? Well, I'm the one who is angry about my abuse, and my anger is sinful, therefore the abuse itself is a non-issue. So, it's a no-win situation for the victim.
So, in each situation, the abuser or their nice, supporting leader can deflect the issue of abuse onto the victim of the abuse. Here are some techniques:
#1 Anger/Bitterness. If the abuser can portray the victim as angry or bitter, then the leader will focus on the victim's sin and refuse to deal with the abuser until the victim repents. Before the victim "acted out", everything was happy in the church, and it's the victim's anger that has destroyed the peace. (Peace, peace where there is no peace!) The abuser then gets rewarded for having to suffer through the sin of the victim and the result is that right is wrong and wrong is right!
#2 Obedience. A perceived lack of obedience can be used to justify all sorts of wrong. Abuse generally starts when the abuser demands obedience for something they have no right to. But, the RP church almost never questions the abuser, except in extreme cases. I believe this is a flaw in the Westminster standards, that don't even mention the concept of abuse. This is what I expect happened with my pastor. My description of my abuse went into the "parent has the right to demand obedience" filter and never came out. The beating and humiliation I received for "disobedience" was justified and my anger was not (back to #1), so my pastor takes the nice approach and politely disagrees.
#3 The person who raises the issue is the issue. Part of the "nice" vibe in the RP church is that people who speak out against wrong are not being nice, therefore there is a good chance that they will be opposed with or without reason. Pastors have to pick and choose their battles, or they get labeled as troublemakers and ignored. So... why waste political capital trying to defend an angry victim when you might get forced to oppose some serious theological problem in the future? But, the Bible says "Open your mouth for the mute, For the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And defend the rights of the afflicted and needy." (Prov. 31:8-9) Defending victims is hard and unpopular, which is why so few do it!
In addition to these tools for the abusers, there is a vicious cycle around worthlessness. I described in a previous post how worthless I felt trying to live up to the church standards and be a good member. I think this goes both ways.
The leaders feel that their worth is based on having members who look like Christians and are doing all the right things. Those leaders try to push their members to do more and more because there are always churches doing one thing or the other better. There is always a leader who is more worthy and doing more with his congregation. So, the leaders resort to a form of legalism. Members who look outwardly righteous get approval and members who don't look outwardly righteous get disapproval. Members are encouraged to do more for the church and set the bar higher, while at the same time, those who are not contributing or not "growing" are "challenged" by the sermons to do more. Those who look the best are paraded in front of the congregation as potential leaders and receive praise in front of the congregation. Those who don't look so good are opposed and made to feel worthless. This feeds off itself, and pretty soon the congregation is full of people who look outwardly righteous, but internally are in shambles. They know that if they reveal any of their internal struggles, they will be shunned in the church. Every Sunday they feel more and more oppressed and condemned by all those around them and more judged by God.
In my experience, the most common abuse that happens in the RP church is from those in authority to those under authority - elder->member, husband->wife, parent->child. These kinds of abuses are common to humanity, so there's no real shock there, but the problem is how the church deals with those abuses.
I relayed some of the abuse I suffered as a child, and my pastor simply said "well, we don't agree." In other words, I think I was abused, my pastor disagrees. End of story. But, why would he disagree? Well, I'm the one who is angry about my abuse, and my anger is sinful, therefore the abuse itself is a non-issue. So, it's a no-win situation for the victim.
So, in each situation, the abuser or their nice, supporting leader can deflect the issue of abuse onto the victim of the abuse. Here are some techniques:
#1 Anger/Bitterness. If the abuser can portray the victim as angry or bitter, then the leader will focus on the victim's sin and refuse to deal with the abuser until the victim repents. Before the victim "acted out", everything was happy in the church, and it's the victim's anger that has destroyed the peace. (Peace, peace where there is no peace!) The abuser then gets rewarded for having to suffer through the sin of the victim and the result is that right is wrong and wrong is right!
#2 Obedience. A perceived lack of obedience can be used to justify all sorts of wrong. Abuse generally starts when the abuser demands obedience for something they have no right to. But, the RP church almost never questions the abuser, except in extreme cases. I believe this is a flaw in the Westminster standards, that don't even mention the concept of abuse. This is what I expect happened with my pastor. My description of my abuse went into the "parent has the right to demand obedience" filter and never came out. The beating and humiliation I received for "disobedience" was justified and my anger was not (back to #1), so my pastor takes the nice approach and politely disagrees.
#3 The person who raises the issue is the issue. Part of the "nice" vibe in the RP church is that people who speak out against wrong are not being nice, therefore there is a good chance that they will be opposed with or without reason. Pastors have to pick and choose their battles, or they get labeled as troublemakers and ignored. So... why waste political capital trying to defend an angry victim when you might get forced to oppose some serious theological problem in the future? But, the Bible says "Open your mouth for the mute, For the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And defend the rights of the afflicted and needy." (Prov. 31:8-9) Defending victims is hard and unpopular, which is why so few do it!
In addition to these tools for the abusers, there is a vicious cycle around worthlessness. I described in a previous post how worthless I felt trying to live up to the church standards and be a good member. I think this goes both ways.
The leaders feel that their worth is based on having members who look like Christians and are doing all the right things. Those leaders try to push their members to do more and more because there are always churches doing one thing or the other better. There is always a leader who is more worthy and doing more with his congregation. So, the leaders resort to a form of legalism. Members who look outwardly righteous get approval and members who don't look outwardly righteous get disapproval. Members are encouraged to do more for the church and set the bar higher, while at the same time, those who are not contributing or not "growing" are "challenged" by the sermons to do more. Those who look the best are paraded in front of the congregation as potential leaders and receive praise in front of the congregation. Those who don't look so good are opposed and made to feel worthless. This feeds off itself, and pretty soon the congregation is full of people who look outwardly righteous, but internally are in shambles. They know that if they reveal any of their internal struggles, they will be shunned in the church. Every Sunday they feel more and more oppressed and condemned by all those around them and more judged by God.
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