It's been awhile. I was challenged by a comment a few months ago, which was, essentially that I was wrong and should stop talking. I don't agree that I'm wrong, but it led me down a line of thinking. Why do people (myself included) get locked into arguments where one or both aren't going to be convinced or change? I've had many debates - political, economic, theological - and inevitably, there's a point where I realize, or I should realize, that the conversation is not going anywhere and walk away.
I knew it had to do with some aspect of growing up in a spiritually abusive authoritarian environment, but I couldn't piece it together. It's one thing to be right, even if only in my own mind; It's another to feel like I have to prove that I'm right to random strangers doing drive-by comments.
I came across this quote that put it into perspective:
In all of my research across the decades, we have found that perfectionism is "What will other people think?" versus striving for excellence, which is driven by "What do I want?" Perfectionism is one of the most insidious forms of self-protection because no matter how we excel, we can never control other people's perceptions of us. (Strong Ground, Brené Brown, Ch. 15)
This got me full circle. For me, perfectionism is a defense mechanism that combines authoritarianism (the subtle shift from God-centric religion to church-leader-defined religion), legalism (the idea that actions are externally-visible examples of our relationship with God) and Total Depravity (the idea that God demands perfection and that any deviation from perfection is sinful).
If you want a good primer on authoritarian spiritual abuse, check out Gary Ezzo's premise of "trangulation". Your child disobeys you. That means that you have to choose between your child and God because God says you must punish disobedience. If you choose not to spank your child, you are putting your child in the place of God. -- There's a logical flaw here, but this was taught in a lot of churches, leading to legalistic authoritarian child abuse and driving kids towards perfectionism. I don't have to love or care, but as long as I check the boxes my parents care about, I'm okay.
I think this answers a lot of debates I've seen online, especially politically. Both parties must not only be right, but must prove that they are right without question. Unfortunately, life has a lot of gray and a lot of nuance, and, in my opinion, no system, despite how well designed and well intentioned cannot withstand the onslaught of enough greedy and evil people.
It's interesting because I have always thought of myself as striving for excellence and not wanting to allow people to "live rent-free in my head" - allowing someone other than God the place of defining something so core to my identity.
Hopefully, this can be helpful to you and others. I know people who cannot lose arguments, most likely because perfectionism is to tightly coupled to their identity. It leads to anger and rage, and best to figure out ways to defuse the argument. "Agree to disagree" or "I don't see it that way, and you're not going to be the one to convince me otherwise." If you're a person who can't lose an argument... where does your value come from? Are you letting the person across the chat thread define whether you have value or not?
If you're stuck in an authoritarian/legalistic environment, whether it's a church or workplace, check yourself and get coaching or help to learn how best to survive with your value intact.
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