This is probably also applicable to people who grew up in the church and were never allowed to break their childhood persona, but I was reading yesterday and found this quote to be very insightful:
In Charles Whitfield's book, Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, we are given a list of rights we all have. It is titled, "Personal Bill of Rights," and it is found on p. 116-117. One of the rights I love on this list is:
"I have the right to change and grow."
As I previously mentioned, in shame-based systems, we often get put in a certain role. No matter how hard we try to get out of that role and change, we are still seen in the same role. If we were the screw up, we are always seen as the screw up. If we were the one who kept all the communication growing, it became our task in the system to continue to do that. If we were the heroes, we could do no wrong. When we try to discuss having a problem or a struggle, we are often dismissed.
We have the right to change and grow. We have the right to look at our old roles and change them. We have the right to learn and make changes based on what we are learning.
What we can't control is how other people view us. We may have the right to change and we might change, but it does not mean others will acknowledge or honor the changes.
Barb Tonn, MA - Shine the Light of Truth on Shame: Daily Reflections p.409-410
In reading about dysfunctional families, it seems rare that children are ever able to graduate from what role they were assigned. I expect the same is true in dysfunctional churches, which is sad because we supposedly believe the Holy Spirit is an agent of even miraculous change, but somehow miraculous change is not enough to overcome the shame-based assigned roles.
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