Getting stuck in dysfunctional family roles

 This is probably also applicable to people who grew up in the church and were never allowed to break their childhood persona, but I was reading yesterday and found this quote to be very insightful:

In Charles Whitfield's book, Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, we are given a list of rights we all have. It is titled, "Personal Bill of Rights," and it is found on p. 116-117. One of the rights I love on this list is:

"I have the right to change and grow."

As I previously mentioned, in shame-based systems, we often get put in a certain role. No matter how hard we try to get out of that role and change, we are still seen in the same role. If we were the screw up, we are always seen as the screw up. If we were the one who kept all the communication growing, it became our task in the system to continue to do that. If we were the heroes, we could do no wrong. When we try to discuss having a problem or a struggle, we are often dismissed.

We have the right to change and grow. We have the right to look at our old roles and change them. We have the right to learn and make changes based on what we are learning.

What we can't control is how other people view us. We may have the right to change and we might change, but it does not mean others will acknowledge or honor the changes.

Barb Tonn, MA - Shine the Light of Truth on Shame: Daily Reflections p.409-410

In reading about dysfunctional families, it seems rare that children are ever able to graduate from what role they were assigned. I expect the same is true in dysfunctional churches, which is sad because we supposedly believe the Holy Spirit is an agent of even miraculous change, but somehow miraculous change is not enough to overcome the shame-based assigned roles. 

 

 

 

Reformed beliefs on mental illness and Christian Science

We good Reformed people recognize that Christian Science is a cult that mistakenly believes that all sickness is a result of our lack of faith, and that if we believed the "right things", we could escape sickness.

Students of Christian Science are learning through their daily study of the Bible and the Christian Science textbook that sickness is not a stubborn reality which must be endured because it cannot be cured. Sickness is only an erroneous concept of God's perfect handiwork;
Source

We should compare that to the teaching of Biblical Counseling, which is prevalent in Reformed circles

Also, as a counselor listens to the pain of sexual assault, it is easy to get so wrapped up in a counselee’s pain, and this may mean you sidestep the topic of your counselee’s failures. Now don’t hear me wrong. The sexually violated woman is never, repeat never, at fault for her abuser’s sin against her. Yet in response to the trauma of sexual violation, she may also sin.

Reframe her story. She is no longer a victim. In Christ she is a victor. 

An essential part of defaming her story has three parts and is based on Ephesians 4:22-24:

Discarding old patterns of ungodly thinking

Thought reconstruction

Adopting new patterns of godly thinking Source

The similarities are pretty striking. To first understand why they are so similar. The Biblical Counseling word "victim" must be examined. Let's reframe this story from mental/emotional to physical. Let's say the "violation" is instead a car accident caused by a drunk driver that leaves the woman wheelchair-bound. So, the rhetoric is now:
"The paraplegic woman is not, repeat not, at fault for the accident caused by the drunk driver [true]. Yet, in response to the trauma of having her legs amputated, she may also sin [true]. Reframe her story, she is no longer paraplegic. In Christ she is able-bodied. [uhhh. Hmmm.]"

So, we see that the spiritual and temporal get mixed in much the same way as with Christian Science. Yes, God created a world without sickness, just as he created a world without trauma and victims. YET! The world isn't there today. Just as someone can be born with missing limbs, someone can lose limbs. Some are born with mental distress and some become mentally distressed by a natural response to abuse.

We know, when considering this physically, that a victim of a drunk driver may require extensive surgery, followed by months, if not years of physical and occupational therapy. Obviously some accident victims will never fully recover in this life.

So, why does the church and Biblical Counseling insist on a six week mental/emotional recovery program? Why does the church and Biblical Counseling insist that modern psychology, counseling and psychiatry are detrimental, and that Christians should never be state-licensed mental health professionals?

In a sense, the Christian Scientists are more theologically consistent. They believe the body AND mind to be reversibly damaged, whereas, Evangelicals believe that only the mind is reversibly damaged. In other words, both faiths believe that the solution to a broken mind is faith. I wonder what they believe about Alzheimer's and senility - if that's a lack of faith or part of a broken body, but the evidence is pretty clear that something is different between the body and mind.

For the body, Evangelicals believe that medical treatment is necessary, good, and helpful. It's good to take medicine because medicine can help things. High blood pressure can be corrected, cancer can be fought, drugs can alleviate pain and make life better. For the mind, however, any drug, despite how studied and widespread is just covering over some sort of sin. A psychiatrist might prescribe anti-anxiety medicine to help a sexually violated woman deal with flashbacks and crippling fear, but the Biblical Counselor would simply call that "sin" (not a natural psychological response to trauma) and if it isn't fixed in six weeks then the person isn't leaning enough into Jesus's "victory".

In the same way, Evangelicals would think nothing of a member who has torn an ACL signing up for a year of physical therapy to strengthen the joint after surgery. They wouldn't blink an eye at a member with a back injury having to have regular injections for the rest of their lives. Yet, the idea that it might take years of counseling or therapy to recover from a severe trauma like sexual violation, or complex trauma like growing up in an abusive home, is considered scornful. The idea that someone with Bipolar Disorder might have to take medication for the rest of their lives is considered a lack of faith.

I would also say that just as a person's body would be harmed by the church refusing to recognize a medical condition, the same is true for the mind. What would happen if a church told a member with a broken ankle that they were sinning if they didn't play volleyball for the church league that weekend? Wouldn't that be cruel and irresponsible? But churches and Biblical Counselors (as seen above) tell abuse victims to "reframe" their mental state. What does that mean? It seems that it means acting as if the abuse never happened, just like playing volleyball on a broken ankle. It often plays out like this - the church gets the abuser to repent, and then pressures the victim to forgive and act as if nothing happened. If the victim doesn't feel safe being in the same room during worship, that's not forgiving. If the victim files a restraining order, that's not forgiving. If the victim won't submit to joint counseling, that's not forgiving. Just like a broken bone, if the victim isn't good as new in six weeks there's probably something wrong with her.

Maybe the church needs to recognize that the mind, just like the body, suffers under the curse, and just like bodies can be born disabled or harmed later in life, the mind is similar, and just as the church accepts much of modern medical treatment for the body, they should recognize that there are valid medical treatments for the mind.