Recovering value and joy in a shame-filled world

Let's face it, we have grown up in a world that defined our value based on what they find important. Western society values athleticism, youth, beauty, accomplishments, wealth and intelligence. The church values sacrifice and adherence to a rigid system of theological beliefs and counter-cultural actions. The family typically resembles society and church, but can add its own unique expectations.

It may seem ridiculously simple that our value is defined by what God says about us, right? Jesus says we have great value in God's eyes, so why do we keep hearing a message of shame and despair.

That's where I am right now. I can mentally believe that God loves me because I am his unique creation and his adopted child, but that's not what I feel. That's because there is a broken record playing of value assessments that are not from God at all! My pastor describes experiences like this as a "dark night of the soul".

Around eight years ago, I identified that I had been spiritually abused by the RPCNA. They (the denomination, sessions, pastors and elders) had used their positional authority to replace "what God says about me" with "what they say about me". Their value system was a Byzantine web of written rules, unwritten rules, and glad obedience to their whims.

As I worked through that, I identified the same systems in place almost everywhere. I saw that my workplace wielded a message of value and shame to push workers beyond reasonable expectations for their own profit. I saw my family had its own system of value and shame - workaholism and achievement.

Here I am, though, in mild depression and despair. I recognize my value in terms of black and white words on a page. I look forward to an eternity where I will experience that value in perfect peace and perfect joy. On the other hand, I am passively and actively shunning the fake value economy and realizing how utterly ingrained it is in my existence. I'm no longer young, athletic and accomplished. I don't work long hours. My children are not striving to live society's expectations on them. I get to read article after article on how the various systems in the body stop working right after the glorious 20s, and how, for each system, only a brutal and time-consuming regimen can slow the decline.

So, here are my words of wisdom, to myself and to those reading:

• Shame is the world of fake manipulation. Actions have consequences, but shame brings worthlessness into play with consequences. Let's say I don't volunteer at church. It's fine that a consequence is that I don't get praised. It might even be fine that the pastor says that some ministry was abandoned due to lack of volunteers, but it's not fine for the pastor to imply that the church or her congregants are "lesser" because of that lack. That is shame manipulation.
• We don't shame-manipulate those who have sinned in our churches. That is not to say that actions don't have consequences. The church will need to impose consequences on sex offenders to protect victims and potential victims. We may need to be vigilant around them that they do not re-offend, but they are still people in need of healing and grace.
• Likewise, those who have been victimized or suffered loss should not be shamed into sacrificing their value so that the church can "move on". Victims need to feel valued and heal, and that is not going to be possible if the church "needs to move on" from being reminded of brokenness and hurt.
• I think it is uniquely hard to move from a life of shame to a growth mentality. The Bible is full of hope and positivity - we conquer evil and live forever in a world without shame or despair or loss! Yet, we see pain and misery and brokenness all around us, inside and outside the church. I feel I'm more and more aware of the brokenness at the same time that I need to feel hope!

I think God understands where I am right now and he's given me something that, to my heart and mind, is a tangible representation that he values me and wants me to grow. It feels like a little kernel of joy that I can hold onto. I would love to figure out how to grow it, but it has been a light in the darkness. Tearing down what I have valued reminds me of what Sennacherib says to Jerusalem:

But if you say to me, ‘We trust in the Lord our God,’ is it not He whose high places and whose altars Hezekiah has taken away and has said to Judah and to Jerusalem, ‘You shall worship before this altar’?

I think that is the pervasive voice today. God says find your value in the truth, but the world in the same well-meaning way as high places and altars has tried to create proxies for that truth. We find value in showing up Sunday morning. We find value in our political party. We find value in what causes we stand for or oppose. Those can all be good things, but they aren't what makes us worthy! We are worthy because we are the adopted children of God! Even those who will ultimately reject God still have great value as image bearers. I feel like more people should be attracted to the church through the worth and joy we have vs. the message of guilt and shame.