God heals and undoes damage

This is a pretty big break from my normal post, but something I thought was worth sharing as an encouragement on your journey out of abusive spirituality.

I grew up in a musical family. My mother and father both played instruments and sang. My father always wanted to prove his worth to his perfectionistic father, who insisted that his children would be musicians. My siblings each were forced to play an instrument, but they bristled at it and soon were able to quit. When it was my turn, I actually enjoyed playing the piano, but I was also much of a perfectionist.

Because the piano represented much more to my father than just something I could enjoy growing up, it soon became a source of contention between me and my father. At first I loved it, but he only every allowed me to practice pieces or drills. When I just sat down and tried to enjoy seeing how I could put notes together, he would yell at me and tell me to stop. He would force me to perform for his guests whenever he wanted, even if I felt unprepared. I soon grew tired of the emotional burden and wanted to quit, but he wouldn't let me because it would be a waste [and he would lose face in the sight of his father]. So, I emotionally quit, but continued lessons. I got a lot of nastiness from him. He would say I "took my first year of lessons eight times" when someone asked him how long I had been playing. He never attended my recitals, but when I wanted to try a different instrument, he would say "why would you want to give up piano? You've invested so much time in it."

It continued to be source of both pain and comfort for me. I enjoyed playing, but not performing, and my siblings loved to jealously point out every mistake I made because somehow they thought that I was the "favored one" of the family and had to knock me off my pedestal. Playing was something I did alone to manage stress. My dad once, at an RPI conference glowingly pointed out how talented one of the performers was - he was playing and singing a Billy Joel song. I'm thinking to myself, I could have done that, but my dad hated rock music. I'm sure if I had been the one on stage playing and singing, I wouldn't have heard a peep from my dad and my siblings would have had a field day.

Fast forward to a few years ago. I had left the RP church and joined a church with a praise band, which is pretty much the dark side in terms of what RPs hold as sacred. After a few years of just sitting in the pew, I thought I should help out in ways that weren't emotionally straining and didn't infringe too much on the RP worship style. The first thing I did was join the choir. We would sing songs during the offering (much like Orlando did), and some extra music during a separate Christmas service. It ended up being a hard experience. We were told to "smile" - I wasn't ready to smile, and every mistake I made started the playback of my siblings taunts. There were enjoyable moments, but it was emotionally draining. I tried running sound. I was pretty good at it, but again, I would forget to unmute a microphone or I would fight with the overpowering drums and bass. I couldn't enjoy the service because I was "on" - and sometimes the pastor would ask me questions about his message and I'd point blank say I couldn't pay attention with my responsibilities and I'd have to listen later. I ended up telling the worship director I couldn't volunteer anymore at the same time they had already decided to make me worship volunteer of the year, so it felt super weird to accept the award.

About two years ago, I felt a twinge. I didn't know what to make of it. It was completely out of the blue. I felt like God was saying, I want you to play piano for me. Keep in mind that classical music and worship music are completely different beasts - one is sight reading, muscle memory and repetition, and the other is chord structure, theory and improvisation. The improvisation is what my dad yelled at me for many years ago. The feeling wouldn't stop, and I had some thoughts here and there about maybe playing, so I talked to the worship director with the idea that maybe I could practice for a few months with the band to warm up to the difference and then eventually feel comfortable playing during a service.

That wasn't what God had in mind. I got invited to practice one week, and at practice found out I was on for Sunday. I pretty much freaked out. I was completely unprepared and felt horribly exposed. I practiced my heart out during the week and Sunday came I still felt like my fingers wouldn't cooperate. Then this amazing thing happened. I felt complete peace and even joy during the service! I played plenty of bad notes and didn't do much more than play the chords, but for the first time in my life, the mistakes didn't trigger the record of taunts.

As I played more and more, yes, I got better, but I'd have weeks where my family was falling apart, I was an emotional train wreck, and I'd have to pray, "God, if you want the keyboard to sound good, it's going to have to be you this week, not me!" He has always come through. Peace and joy. I've even been able to smile on stage within the last few months.

I feel in a lot of ways, God is saying, "Yes, I'm your father, but I am NOT your dad!" That's really what I've needed because I really couldn't picture him as anything except stern, separate, perfectionistic and even abusive - the God of the RPCNA. Instead, he has shown himself as loving, providing and gracious.

And, that is not the end! My current church could be described as Reformed and somewhat Charismatic. Not over the top, but they recognize Spiritual giftedness as continuing today (this could be many posts!). One of the members who claims to be able to see angels occasionally took me aside about a month ago and told me that she often sees an angel standing behind me while I'm playing. She says the angel is ministering to my heart. Again, as a formerly lifelong RP, it's hard to take that at face value, but then I put that with my experience. Playing or singing in front of people has always been nerve-wracking and emotionally draining, but I find exactly the opposite when I'm on stage at church, and not even in practices. It made complete sense to me in the moment and still makes sense now. It's really been something I cling to when things turn dark and I feel worthless - this mini-story of my life where God saw darkness and chose to supernaturally intervene.

I had already decided that RP worship wasn't defensible from scripture without a perfectionistic, incomprehensible and gnostic view of God, but I find it interesting that God chose to drive a stake straight through the heart of the RPCNA's distinctives when he worked to undo my abusive past.

Immanuel and the coddling of spiritual abuse in the RPCNA

According to a Facebook report, embattled Immanuel RPC requested permission to withdraw from the RPCNA. There is not a lot publicly known, because the Great Lakes-Gulf Presbytery is trying to keep a tight lid on the situation so that it isn't media fodder.

I want to discuss this case in terms of the various players in an abusive family. We have the children, the parents, the extended family/friends and the authorities.

As an example, let's look at the Duggars handling of Josh Duggar's molestation:

The children were told that nothing big happened, that proper precautions were taken (by limiting contact between boys and girls), and that the situation was resolved

The parents covered up the crime and sent Josh off to "fix" his issues. Later, in Federal court, they lied under oath. They minimized the harm (nothing inappropriate happened) and their testimony disagreed with other witnesses.

The extended family/friends split over the issue. Some wholeheartedly supported the Duggars and blamed the victims, while some of the victims have distanced themselves from the family.

The authorities initially failed the Duggars by allowing the crime to be buried without any help for the girls who were molested. They failed to get help for Josh, instead letting him be sent to an IBLP-approved labor camp with the hope of rehabilitation.

We see that the Duggar parents failed their children, leading to a situation where they coddled the abuser and minimized those abused. The abuser was not helped - he ended up continuing in his sexual sin.

When we look at Immanuel, we see the same thing play out:

The congregation was lied to, told everything was under control, and then when issues came to light, put in a situation where they were forced to choose between their "trusted God-ordained leadership" and the outsiders.

The session covered up the crime, pretended to "fix" the issue while deceiving themselves that molesting 15+ children was "ordinary teenage curiosity" (no, it's criminal!), and then used their family network to manipulate the situation.

The presbytery split on whether the session did the right thing (by abusing their congregation?) and whether to support the session, or take the matter seriously as the media weighed in on the gravity of the situation.

The authorities pretty much did their jobs. The IndyStar reported on the abuse and coverup. The juvenile court declared the offender guilty and removed him from the situation. The RPCNA Synod (although I believe they were too eager to make Jared the scapegoat of the corrupt session) understood the grievous nature of the offenses and disciplined the offenders.

Yet, we see the same issue with the children. Some walked away and some stayed. This is a classic abuse dynamic. A critical part of abuse is how the dynamic is created and maintained. After being lied to, after watching their leaders be exposed by the IndyStar, the juvenile courts, independent observers and even the highest church court as being abusive and negligent, they still are holding fast to the system.

Why? Because these elders abusers have successfully created the abuse dynamic. First, through butchering Total Depravity and other doctrines, the session convinced the congregants that their own perspective is flawed and suspect. They taught them that their value was in following God (well, really God's ordained servants). They taught them that their Session truly and deeply cared about their souls and were God-gifted to do that, while no outsider really had their best interests in heart.

We on the outside can shake our heads at the complicity of the congregation in their abuse, but that isn't the story. These people need HELP!!! They are convinced that Jared Olivetti, who orchestrated a disinformation and coverup campaign against them is the one who should tell them how to live a godly life full of integrity. They are convinced that Keith Magill, who left Southside for covering up incest/rape, who covered up incest/rape at Southside without being held accountable, then did it again at Immanuel, is their God-ordained example of righteousness. They're convinced that other members of the session, who knew a child molester was in their midst with free access to their children and did nothing are the vigilant shepherds guarding the flock from wolves.

This matter is not over. The RPCNA (Synod) needs to first investigate the congregation and remove the abusers from contact with the abused. Then they need to investigate how half of the GLG presbytery approved of spiritual abuse, and even petitioned to split the presbytery into pro-abuse and anti-abuse factions.

*** Correction - the Southside Session found out after Magill had resigned the pastorate there that he had been covering up sexual abuse. See https://julieroys.com/church-elder-keith-magill-alleged-history-abuse-cover-up/

Recovering value and joy in a shame-filled world

Let's face it, we have grown up in a world that defined our value based on what they find important. Western society values athleticism, youth, beauty, accomplishments, wealth and intelligence. The church values sacrifice and adherence to a rigid system of theological beliefs and counter-cultural actions. The family typically resembles society and church, but can add its own unique expectations.

It may seem ridiculously simple that our value is defined by what God says about us, right? Jesus says we have great value in God's eyes, so why do we keep hearing a message of shame and despair.

That's where I am right now. I can mentally believe that God loves me because I am his unique creation and his adopted child, but that's not what I feel. That's because there is a broken record playing of value assessments that are not from God at all! My pastor describes experiences like this as a "dark night of the soul".

Around eight years ago, I identified that I had been spiritually abused by the RPCNA. They (the denomination, sessions, pastors and elders) had used their positional authority to replace "what God says about me" with "what they say about me". Their value system was a Byzantine web of written rules, unwritten rules, and glad obedience to their whims.

As I worked through that, I identified the same systems in place almost everywhere. I saw that my workplace wielded a message of value and shame to push workers beyond reasonable expectations for their own profit. I saw my family had its own system of value and shame - workaholism and achievement.

Here I am, though, in mild depression and despair. I recognize my value in terms of black and white words on a page. I look forward to an eternity where I will experience that value in perfect peace and perfect joy. On the other hand, I am passively and actively shunning the fake value economy and realizing how utterly ingrained it is in my existence. I'm no longer young, athletic and accomplished. I don't work long hours. My children are not striving to live society's expectations on them. I get to read article after article on how the various systems in the body stop working right after the glorious 20s, and how, for each system, only a brutal and time-consuming regimen can slow the decline.

So, here are my words of wisdom, to myself and to those reading:

• Shame is the world of fake manipulation. Actions have consequences, but shame brings worthlessness into play with consequences. Let's say I don't volunteer at church. It's fine that a consequence is that I don't get praised. It might even be fine that the pastor says that some ministry was abandoned due to lack of volunteers, but it's not fine for the pastor to imply that the church or her congregants are "lesser" because of that lack. That is shame manipulation.
• We don't shame-manipulate those who have sinned in our churches. That is not to say that actions don't have consequences. The church will need to impose consequences on sex offenders to protect victims and potential victims. We may need to be vigilant around them that they do not re-offend, but they are still people in need of healing and grace.
• Likewise, those who have been victimized or suffered loss should not be shamed into sacrificing their value so that the church can "move on". Victims need to feel valued and heal, and that is not going to be possible if the church "needs to move on" from being reminded of brokenness and hurt.
• I think it is uniquely hard to move from a life of shame to a growth mentality. The Bible is full of hope and positivity - we conquer evil and live forever in a world without shame or despair or loss! Yet, we see pain and misery and brokenness all around us, inside and outside the church. I feel I'm more and more aware of the brokenness at the same time that I need to feel hope!

I think God understands where I am right now and he's given me something that, to my heart and mind, is a tangible representation that he values me and wants me to grow. It feels like a little kernel of joy that I can hold onto. I would love to figure out how to grow it, but it has been a light in the darkness. Tearing down what I have valued reminds me of what Sennacherib says to Jerusalem:

But if you say to me, ‘We trust in the Lord our God,’ is it not He whose high places and whose altars Hezekiah has taken away and has said to Judah and to Jerusalem, ‘You shall worship before this altar’?

I think that is the pervasive voice today. God says find your value in the truth, but the world in the same well-meaning way as high places and altars has tried to create proxies for that truth. We find value in showing up Sunday morning. We find value in our political party. We find value in what causes we stand for or oppose. Those can all be good things, but they aren't what makes us worthy! We are worthy because we are the adopted children of God! Even those who will ultimately reject God still have great value as image bearers. I feel like more people should be attracted to the church through the worth and joy we have vs. the message of guilt and shame.