I think many will experience this differently. I experienced pain and guilt more while I was figuring out how to deal with the abusive situation than when I finally left. My RPCNA journey reached a pinnacle of sorts soon after I graduated college, and a steady decline.
The guilt I had was in seeing abusive leadership and not trying to stand up against it and protect the abused*. There was some pain in being one of "those people" who, if the leaders were asked, left the RP church because they couldn't stand the strict righteousness required and held some area of sin too closely. Yet, in the process of leaving, I was reprimanded for bringing up my "many grievances". So, I guess the little I did speak up was already too much for the leaders to bear.
I did have a great fear that I would try to escape the pain of church. The first Sunday post-RPCNA, I drove to a church that I had researched online. The sermons didn't have the self-doubt and authoritarian lingo I heard from NAPARC churches. When I turned off the car, a thought washed over me. No one would know if I started my car again and drove away. I had some regrets when I had to walk through the welcoming committee and got pulled aside to get my "Hey everyone! I'm a first time visitor!! bag". But, those regrets soon vanished when the service started and I saw people worshiping in their own individual way. Some sat, some stood, some raised their arms and some swayed. It wasn't like people singing "Oh praise the Lord!" loudly in four-part harmony, but with absolutely no hint of joy on their faces. I heard a pastor preach that it was okay to take our anger, our pain, our negative emotions in prayer before God. That God wanted us to draw near, not like a beggar addressing a king, but like a loving father.
In the next few weeks, I would meet with a few of the RPCNA leaders who tried to find the appropriate way to apply the right amount of guilt to me. What right did I have to take the elders' valuable time and energy when they were so busy dealing with other peoples' issues? If I had just disagreed in the "appropriate" way, I would be listened to. Come back and be a part of the solution (if they didn't listen to me in the past...why would they listen to me now?)
In a sense, the "excruciating" pain came from a mutual process of disconnection. Since invitations happened in the church, I simply didn't get invited. When friendships were centered around church, there was nothing else in common to hold us together. Even going to a church-related family event post-exit was awkward. At that point, there was a pain of being unable to participate in significant events. Marriages, funerals, graduation parties - they were all centered around the church.
Note(*) - While I saw the abuse of the church, I was mostly blind to the impact it had on me. I was mostly concerned about protecting those around me. When I had disconnected from the RP church for maybe six months, my eyes started to be opened to how pervasive the abuse was and how crippling it was. Much of it was hidden in hypocritical/contradictory behavior. For example, we are praised for being this pinnacle of righteousness, yet at the same time berated week after week for our filthy rags and unworthiness. Because I felt worth (pride/self-righteouness) along with unworthiness (not measuring up), it was hard for me to really know how worthless I really felt in the abusive environment.
5 comments:
A broader note is that I'm not sure leaving an abusive church and suffering a loss are identical. I don't get to choose when a loved one dies, so the pain and guilt would be due to all of the "could've been's and could've done's" that accumulated over time.
I have wrestled with the nature of the loss as well, because, as situations arise where a loving, helpful community would be good, I realize we'd be handling them on our own anyway, since the interest in us was just superficial.So, I find a bit of comfort in that. Of course, the loss of a loved one is so different, because that was real companionship.
I'm not sure how much is really grief, and how much is response to the trauma of the spiritual abuse. But I think both responses are present.
I'm glad for your blog, and for online communities that offer support. It helps to know that others see these issues too.
I think this is an odd one. I've been in a car crash and I know what it's like to replay the event over and over inside my head and mull over how stupid I was to have not seen this or that thing, or not reacted properly.
That seems more like the pain and guilt being described. I lost a friend in high school and I definitely felt loss and pain, but not guilt.
Maybe a better word is not pain and guilt, but despair. While certain family members were alive and while I was still "in" the RPCNA, there was a vague hope that God would bring about reconciliation and restoration of those relationships. When I left, that hope was replaced with despair. I no longer believed at that point, and I still no longer believe that the RPCNA will find its way out of authoritarianism and toxic emotional/spiritual abuse.
It sounds like you've had to face something very painful in having to leave with family members staying and not understanding, and then no resolution before they left this world. I am so sorry. That word "despair" gives me something to think about, because I had not labeled that in myself, but I know it's something I am dealing with.
Right now, my family is facing a serious health situation without any tangible church support, and it feels pretty much the same as every other time we've faced something, even when we were active in church. The only difference is, for a while now, I'm apt to wake up and think, "I don't have a church community!", and then I feel a bit panicky. So, I guess that's because that requirement of leadership to be in their community was so beaten in to us. And right now, I can't get away from the realization that it was all for their benefit, not ours.
Thanks. It's hard to know. I think a lot of RPs tend to be cerebral and know to keep their opinions to themselves. So I really don't know if family members understood. Part of the leaving process was acknowledging that my family members would have their own opinions of why I left. The lack of reconciliation was really the hardest thing, but I can't assume that "if" I had tried to explain how I was hurt that there would be reconciliation.
It is truly sad when we look at some hard circumstance in our lives and realize that we would be no better off in the church. Even my new church situation, there are some very caring people, but most keep to themselves.
I really like how my pastor has talked about "leadership" - that yes, there is an office, but instead, the idea in the church is that we are simultaneously mentoring and being mentored. That we look to our mentors for guidance and we provide that guidance to those we mentor. That is much more healthy, in my opinion, than having maybe 4-5 people in each church that are expected to have a mentorship with every last congregant.
As a side note - I'm still trying to work out the notification settings - I don't always get notified when there are comments and haven't found a way to turn it back on.
Post a Comment