Since I'm not any sort of expert on recovering from grief, I thought I would share parts of my journey. One thing to keep in mind is that this is not linear by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes I feel like I'm on an upward trend, then I step into more commitments and fall back into depression and loneliness or anger or pain or whatever.
I think working through a long-term loss is much different than losing a loved one, but the process seems similar, at least from what I've experienced so far.
Shock
I remember the moment I put a name to what I experienced in the RP church. A guest minister was preaching for a high school conference about the need for commitment to the church (an RPCNA-approved message, to say the least). It was about the church as our mother - Mother Kirk - and how our mother may or may not be wonderful or nice all the time, but we still need her and she still is our mother.
I asked myself... but what if that mother is abusive? Should we still cling to an abusive mother? Then I pondered more deeply. What would abused children in the church look like? I thought about abused dogs. They would probably cower in the corner to avoid confrontation, but when confrontation was avoidable, they would probably lash out in odd and unexpected ways. They would probably be emotionally draining. The more I thought about it, the more I saw myself as abused by my church.
As a "blue-blood" RP, my world pretty much shattered at that point and soon after. I was raised in the best denomination - one that loved God so much that it would not stray from what he explicitly approved. I was raised by godly RP parents who others praised and sought advice from on their methods. That single word: ABUSE pierced through my heart and suddenly everything was broken. My upbringing wasn't superior. At the same time I was taught to live by an unimpeachable moral code, everything I did was minimized and picked apart. Nothing was ever good enough. The grades I earned, the honors and awards I earned were the work of an unfaithful servant just doing what was required. My churching wasn't superior. I was taught of a distant and judgmental god, for whom nothing was ever good enough. My service to him was just the work of an unfaithful servant just doing what was required, and at every misstep, he was there to make sure I knew I was doing wrong.
Disbelief
At the same time I couldn't understand... I had a good education, a good job a stable life. I wasn't engaging in destructive behavior. Is it really possible that someone who was abused could turn out "okay"? I sought answers within and without the RP church. The RP church, person after person, would say things like: "I don't think that's wrong. You must have done something to deserve that sort of treatment" "I need to hear both sides - what's the other side of the story?" My family members said, "Well, it wasn't the best, definitely, but I wouldn't call it abusive" Those outside of the church had a completely different opinion. "That's really bad. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope you can heal." or "Normally, I would recommend that people stay at their churches and try to resolve disagreements, but I don't think you want to go back there."
I think along the same lines of what my family said - just because our story isn't as bad as the bad stories out there doesn't mean it wasn't abusive. Abuse is inherently an attempt to manipulate and control others through the use of force - be it emotional, financial or even physical. I suffered less force because I was more compliant. The environment was still abusive.
To exacerbate this, my affiliations pretty much flipped upside down. I saw the people I was taught to respect in a different light - they were cold and harsh - while those people I was taught to avoid and disdain seemed warm and approachable. Those were reinforced by things I heard and read by and about them.
4 comments:
Hi Battered Sheep of the RPCNA
I've been wanting to write to you for some time now. I've been greatly helped by your articles. I've sought comfort in internet articles, comments, etc because our family and our friend was heavily abused in the OPC. Lies told about us that we will never be able to get out from under. The session refused to meet with us because we called out their joining of our church with another church's VBS - and that church openly espoused the ESS. Many other things too. Pastor physically abused my husband, then turned it around and charged him with bearing false witness when my husband spoke up about it. It came to me later on that the NT warns us so much about false shepherds and vicious wolves who will not spare the flock. These are monsters in the extreme.
I identified very much with the first couple of stages of grieving in your chart above. Untold mental anguish after our excommunication. I can only say our family is well and together today because of the sustaining of the Holy Spirit. If there are any others out there who are suffering in this way - God's arm is not shorted that He cannot save you. Jesus specifically sought the man in John 9 who was put out by the Pharisees. None of His true sheep will be lost. He really IS able to keep us. Just a few rambling thoughts for you, dear Battered Sheep, along with prayers that Christ will continue to guide and sustain you. You are a blessing and your writings are appreciated.
We have found hope and help with Pastor Sam Powell's church in the RCUS. We have been encouraged by his articles on his blog at My Only Comfort.
I've also heard good things about Sam Powell.
I agree, the more I've studied what Jesus said and did, the more I understand that Jesus spoke out not primarily about people thinking they are saved by works, but about institutionalized religious abuse and authoritarianism.
It's the authoritarianism that leads to the wolfish behavior. Men who are not tender before God and others, but instead lash out whenever their deeds are shown to be wrong.
I have found that the spiritually abusive environment has left me relating very much to survivors of all types of institutional abuse. One commonality is that the abusers receive adoration and support, while the abused are silenced and shunned. For sure, it is more extreme in some other settings, but when you have men who claim to hold your salvation, and claim to understand God's Word better than you ever will, it is no wonder that the grief and pain run so deep. Adding the enabling behavior of those whose loyalty is all to the institution makes it even worse. I feel like I am just waiting for others to actually look at Jesus and see that these systems do not reflect who He is.
Another thought I have is that, we think it is worse elsewhere, and it is in many cases, but with sessions keeping disciplinary matters secret, how do we actually know what goes on? When have you ever seen an elder publically rebuked?
I have not and I was reprimanded when I reminded the leaders of that verse when they claimed to have rebuked an elder.
I see more and more that the church leaders of today are the spiritual descendants of the Pharisees and Sadducees that Jesus fought while he lived. The common threads are spiritual abuse, authoritarianism and manipulation.
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