"I know many, many, many people who have been through Biblical counseling methodologies. I have yet to find one who has walked away less damaged than they went in... and that's really painful to say." - Rachael Denhollander, Valued Conference 2019
What does Biblical Counseling have to say?(emphasis mine)
What does Biblical Counseling have to say?(emphasis mine)
On domestic violence:
"Similarly, you should expect to find two sinners embroiled with each other, not an irredeemable monster oppressing an innocent victim who needs no redemption." - Paul Tripp and David Powlison (of CCEF)
On counseling the sexually abused:
"Reframe her story. She is no longer a victim. In Christ she is a victor.This sounds similar to how matters were dealt with at Sovereign Grace Churches - (CEO CJ Mahaney was on the board at CCEF):
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37
An essential part of defaming her story has three parts and is based on Ephesians 4:22-24:
Very often I show my counselees how to do this through a specific type of journaling.
- Discarding old patterns of ungodly thinking
- Thought reconstruction
- Adopting new patterns of godly thinking
Reminding your counselee of her identity in Christ, reviewing the gospel, and helping her reframing her story is part of your counselees’ healing, accomplished through Jesus Christ who is her healer." - Lucy Moll, When Counseling the Sexually Violated
Deeply embedded in the SGM mindset are some assumptions:
In your SGM pastor’s mind, you’ve got NO RIGHT to see yourself as a victim, of any sort. In order to “bring the Gospel in,” they’re duty-bound to remind you of your own sinfulness, like it’s some sort of tonic for the normal grief that you might feel because of the ramifications of the sin that was perpetrated against you…like somehow, if I as the victim can just focus on my own badness, I’ll forget that someone molested my child.
- All sins are just as vile in the eyes of God.
- One of the clearest signs of “rebellion” is when a person sees himself as an injured party, because no injury that can be perpetrated against the person could ever surpass the horror that the person’s own sin is in the eyes of God.
- The clearest sign of a “repentant” person is eager confession of wrongdoing.
So OK. In SGMville, all sins are created equal.
Now, enter the perp. Perp expresses sorrow and remorse for his sin. He truly IS the “worst sinner that he knows,” so such a mindset comes easily and naturally to him. In the eyes of his SGM pastors, he automatically then becomes the “more righteous” person, since his response is the only “truly biblical” response that they can find acceptable.
It gets worse if the victim stands up for himself/herself in any fashion. SGM pastors immediately see this as unforgiveness, which of course is a sin, which then makes the victim even WORSE than the remorseful (and therefore righteous) perp. - SGMSurvivors.com
8 comments:
Well said. So accurate the way you have outlined how the process and flow so often goes in on these issues in the world of “Biblical Counseling”. It’s why sessions, pastors and biblical counselors so often get it wrong and indeed often make things worse. Yes we need to forgive, however there is a misguided and unbiblical overarching mistake to often made by the biblical counseling school which seems to insist that forgiveness and love (which we Christians are called to) must always & forever go together with trust and relationship. We are not required to trust someone who has been habitually untrustworthy. Yes it is ideal that love/forgiveness go together with trust/relationship but it is in NO way a biblical mandate. In fact there are times (and many Biblical examples) where people are better off going separate ways. It’s one thing to have spirit filled love and forgiveness for someone who abused you it’s another thing to be their best friends for the rest of your lives together or even be in any kind of meaningful ongoing relationship with them. Sin has consequences here on earth and it is high time these arrogant “counselors” got a clue on this subject. That is not condemning judgement about someone soul for eternity, it is discerning judgement for healthy living while living here on earth. Relationship is Not biblically required. Making or insisting it so shows ineptness from unwise counselors and only adds to the injustice and abuse.
""Talking about reconciliation in the face of sinful events is usually the first and sadly the only thing churches and church leaders do because it avoids the painful action of confronting. When asked if he would embrace the still racist white South Africans in a show of forgiveness during the apartheid era, a black South African remarked: “How can I embrace you, when you’re standing on my head?” The contemporary notion of reconciliation does not carry with it the need for radical transformation and that is first and foremost what is needed. Anything less only provides a temporary bandaid. The world's reconciliation to God warranted drastic action (Rom. 5:10). It cost Jesus his life. Before any talk of reconciliation, we need to begin with conciliation and true repentance, the process to overcome distrust & hostility. Transformation, repentance and change must come before reconciliation. ""
This piece nails it!
http://www.tobyjsumpter.com/real-grace-the-difference-between-trust-and-forgiveness/
Christ Church, Moscow is one of the last places I'd look for advice on forgiveness and trust. Wilson continues to defend his actions with respect to Jamin Wight and Stephen Sitler, despite the fact they've continued to demonstrate their un-trustworthiness, meanwhile they continue to throw their victims under the bus.
I think Sumpter is saying something different from you. You are talking about "reconciliation", Sumpter doesn't mention reconciliation. He jumps directly to trust, as if reconciliation does not exist. So, for him, forgiveness and reconciliation are one and the same - the wrong is undone as soon as repented of?
So, if someone cuts my brake lines and I'm in the hospital for six months and will never walk again, a simple "forgive me" undoes the damage? I think not. Forgiveness is not reconciliation, and reconciliation is a precursor to trust - a necessary precondition.
You are correct. I in know way indorse all of the author, but thought valid points were made in general. The main point you and I are in full agreement on. This is a huge problem in NAPARC churches as well as Christ Church, Moscow. I thought this article was a bit ironic. Generally speaking the council most members in NAPARC churches receive about how to do relationships is very poor due to the faulty premise you have outlined. Namely NAPARC leaders absolute idolatrous grip they hold on authoritarianism.
Meant. .....in no way..
I think you have to be really careful when you read many Reformed authors. If you are scratching your head or wondering why they didn't mention something, it seems more indicative that they are avoiding it or they completely misunderstand.
So, in this case, Sumpter completely misses reconciliation. Based on what I've seen in NAPARC and CREC, there is no such thing as reconciliation. If someone breaks my window and seeks forgiveness, their debt is paid. In the article, there's no liability. The mechanic and the husband do not have to "make it right" - they just have to start from ground zero and re-establish trust.
That's why I mentioned Wight and Sitler. They did horrible things, yet, instead of having to recompense for their wrongs, especially to their victims, Christ Church wiped the slate clean and worked towards re-establishing trust. Their victims were left broken and hurt, and anything they did was perceived as sinful bitterness.
So, again, if I'm a NAPARC member and someone chops off my legs, all that is needed to start reestablishing trust is... asking forgiveness? What about the culprit turning himself into the police? What about paying for my medical bills and lost wages?
It's confusing because I know I cannot repay God for the pain and suffering I've caused, but does forgiving as I was forgiven really mean reconciliation without recompense? Does "limping" mean I'm sinfully angry and bitter?
On its surface, it sounds really righteous, but I think the result is that NAPARC harbors wolves who continually harm and seek cheap grace, while they chew up victims who are hurting because they are angry and bitter at the continual injustice.
There is no doubt about it ,NAPARC is a very caustic place. While they pride themselves on being so tiny and number because they alone hold the truth the reality is they’re small in numbers because they’re so caustic in just about every way. Take the RPCNA, after 250 years in North America they’ve got about 6000 members and let’s just get real about 80% of those are related to one another. Sadly 50 years from now and 100 years from now you’ll be in the same place they are today.
I’m embarrassed that it is taken me 24 years to figure out this about NAPARC. And unless something drastically changes it’s why I don’t ever see myself going back.
You shouldn't be embarrassed. These sorts of systems are very effective at keeping people in a state of limbo where their self-worth is tied to the approval of leaders and peers. They are very skilled at creating a codependent relationship where you believe your unhappiness is some sort of sign that God is working on some deep sin, and not just a result of continual abuse.
It's funny because I grew up hearing about the "lost generation". In reality, every generation is the lost generation because so many youth in the RP church get fed up and leave. It's not the doctrine, and it's not a desire to sow wild oats. Children want to serve God and feel valued and the church shuts the door in their faces.
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