Great post on safe churches...

Hi all, I was pointed to a great blog post about safe churches and responses to various forms of abuse. I'll leave it to you to read the article, but I will comment on some very crucial arguments made in the paper. It is a guest post on Jimmy Hinton's blog: https://jimmyhinton.org/a-safe-place-guest-post-by-pastor-gricel-medina-ryan-ashton/

Listening to so many survivors tell their stories of the horrible ways they were treated by the Church leaves no doubt that churches have become some of the most unsafe places on the planet to be a survivor of abuse. Faith communities too often hide a toxic culture where abusers thrive and victims are shunned and silenced. The dismissiveness of those in authority, the isolation of the vulnerable, the imbalance of power, and the expectation to stay silent and “forgive” are realities we all must acknowledge.

I think this really sets the tone for understanding why people are leaving institutional churches and why people who have been harmed by Christians - parents, church leaders, friends or others within the church environment - find it so difficult to return to that environment.

However, some survivors taking a break from attending church becomes a problem for many Christians. For many survivors, taking a break from church meetings is the only alternative they have if they cannot find people they can trust.

This really rings true, and not only that, but survivors of significant spiritual abuse are often chastised for leaving the VERY CHURCH where that abuse took place, and where the abuser continues to hold power. I left a church because of significant spiritual abuse. On my way out, I talked with a leader who said that the church was "aware of the issue" and was "taking positive steps" to handle it, yet that abuser continued to remain in power and further abuse. The church bemoaned the people who left without telling them what was wrong, tried to guilt them into staying, etc. All while the leadership continued to ignore and condone the abuse in their midst.

One of the worst things to say to a survivor is “there is no such thing as a perfect church.” This confusing of definitions belittle survivors. “Safe” is very different than “perfect.” People will always disappoint and hurt us in a fallen world, but enduring abuse is never an option we must settle for. Abuse or predatory behavior is never acceptable under any circumstance.

I heard many variations of this - it's an internet meme. The point here is spot on. Victims are NOT looking for a perfect church. They are looking for a church that is not going to heap on abuse after being abused. They are looking for a church that is not going to rally around the abuser, while shunning the victim. I'm not RP because the RPCNA is not a SAFE church, not because it isn't a PERFECT church. I would be happy to work alongside other sinners, but I'm not happy to submit myself to being spiritually abused week after week.

A safe church is one that does not tolerate any mistreatment of any member, whether it’s from a casual attendee to the highly-respected and gifted celebrity pastor. No one is above accountability in a safe church (cf. Matthew 18; 1 Timothy 5:19). Safe churches take every allegation seriously, report crimes immediately, do not silence or shame victims, and support victims with tangible resources. Most pastors are not equipped to counsel trauma victims and safe churches refer victims to professional therapy for their trauma. Safe churches recognize sadness and lament are appropriate responses to hurt and that anger is a correct response to injustice (cf. Psalm 82). Safe churches give space for victims to fully grieve their loss and betrayal and grieve with victims as a community (cf. Romans 12:15). Safe churches do not force people to conform to a false positivity (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:26). Safe places do not just hear what a victim is saying, but truly listen with empathetic hearts that are willing to learn. Walking with survivors is a long-term process and overcoming trauma is a lifelong journey.

AMEN and AMEN! Does this sound even remotely like the RPCNA? When I reported mistreatment, I was told to be the bigger person and let it go. When I asked uncomfortable questions, I was abused. When I read Presbytery reports, I saw how abused congregants throughout the church were told to submit to and obey their elders despite the elders having no scriptural grounds to command obedience. I was called a complainer. I was called a hypocrite. I was told that whatever abuse I suffered was my own fault.

Christian institutions can become a culture of deceit because genuine spirituality is hard to measure. Image-conscious communities tend to reward the flashy, put-together people instead of standing with those who are broken. In contrast, a safe church is one where survivors are not isolated from everyone else and kept at an arm’s length, but are valued and included. We all come to Christ with baggage, and we even acquire hurts after believing in Him. Safe places understand and value the imperfections of human beings and are careful to discern the difference between someone’s involuntary trauma responses and “sin.” Safe churches do not confuse Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, hurt, or grief with sin, but have compassion. There are no accusations of “bitterness” or “unforgiveness” in a loving community. Too often, victims suffer more from their faith community’s ignorance, lack of empathy, and the rush to quickly fix things, leaving deep and lasting wounds to someone already hurting.

I think this is a big reason why the RPCNA continues to struggle with abuse. The abusers and wolves are skilled at looking righteous and together. The victims look broken. So, who is the church going to side with? The calm, collected husband in the suit, or the wife who is angry and in tears from years of physical and emotional abuse? Or... the presbytery-endorsed pastor or the bitter, complaining congregant? (To Chris - see why calling someone "bitter" is a conversation ender rather than an offer of help?)

In some circles, the pastor has arrogantly replaced the Holy Spirit, and our expected obeisance often approaches idolatry.

Sound familiar?

Part of the sickness of spiritual abuse is that it demands an unhealthy dependence on a person, or organization, rather than on God. Taking a break from organized religion is a good way to prove to yourself that you can survive with God alone. Well-meaning believers will tell you that you must be in a fellowship of faith. It’s dangerous to isolate yourself from the Body of Christ. All kinds of problems will result if you aren’t a part of a community of believers. Nonsense. That’s like telling someone who just came out of an abusive marriage to get married right away. In both scenarios, a person needs time to reflect on what just happened. Their soul needs to be repaired before re-engaging.

Form 2B
Certificate of Dismissal for a Member Requesting to Be Removed

This is to certify that you, ______ [name of the member]_________, having been a member of the _____ [name and location of the congregation]_______ Reformed Presbyterian Church, are hereby removed from the membership at your own request. We are deeply saddened that you have thereby separated yourself from the visible church, outside of which there is no ordinary possibility of salvation. 

It's somewhat fascinating that the RP church here seems to deny "Unconditional Election" and "Perseverance of the Saints" in an effort to shame abused members on the way out of the fold. Especially since there is no Biblical ground for membership in a local congregation, and no grounds to say that separation from a specific local congregation is separation "from the visible church".