Growing up in an authoritarian denomination, authority is all about who makes the final decision. We were reminded that submission meant following the leader, whether it was the best decision or not, and that authority was being responsible for those decisions.
It's surprised me, then, that I've never been in a position to do that as the "authority" of my family. Not only do I value my wife's opinions, but I have never tried to overrule her. We have often had heated discussions about the best approach, but we've never gotten into a situation where I was forced to make a decision against her will. I don't even know if that's biblical.
But, that is what we learned in the church. Authority is primarily about who calls the shots and who submits. Why? Well let's look at a family argument.
We, as good RPs, decided that homeschooling was the way to go. The public school was public enemy #1, and parents who gave their children over to the state were handing them over to the devil. Since homeschooling was "God's Way", we should expect that everything would work out, but in second grade, homeschooling our eldest was heading for disaster. We opted for an "enrichment program" for third grade that was created even more friction. Two months in, my wife had enough and wanted to enroll her in public school. We discussed it quite a bit and we both gave in somewhat. We researched the schools around us and decided on our top preferences. The top school had a waiting list a mile long, the second school was good, but we couldn't get her in until the next Fall, and our default school had relatively poor ratings of teachers and administration. So, I gave up the homeschool is best philosophy, and my wife stuck it out until the Fall to enroll in the school we both agreed was better. After that, we've never looked back, even for the other children, all of whom opted for public school.
Now this seems like a reasonable approach, but things could easily have been different for the RP macho husband and the RP submissive wife. Consider Doug Wilson's article here (he did "retract" it here, although only this specific example rather than the thrust of his argument)
Even if the situation is far-fetched, the idea of authority is not. There is no real difference between wife and child, except perhaps for the means of discipline. The husband picks the stuff he wants to do, assigns the rest to his wife and when she fails to accomplish it takes her before the church. While many husbands and wives do enjoy the "traditional" separation of duties, Wilson baptizes them with some well-twisted scripture and makes them Biblical roles.
This is the same way we think of church authority(in fact all authority). The pastor and leaders decide what they want to do and then direct the church to do the rest. Those who drop everything to submit become the next generation of leaders, and those who don't stay bottom-feeders or worse.
If the dishes need to get done and my wife is putting the kids to bed, will God strike me down if I dare get my hands soapy? Or is the family a team effort? Is this within my authority?
In fact, I think this may change the way we should look for church leaders. Instead of looking for people who are found leading every charge, maybe we should be looking for the ones who are found cleaning up afterwards?
It's surprised me, then, that I've never been in a position to do that as the "authority" of my family. Not only do I value my wife's opinions, but I have never tried to overrule her. We have often had heated discussions about the best approach, but we've never gotten into a situation where I was forced to make a decision against her will. I don't even know if that's biblical.
But, that is what we learned in the church. Authority is primarily about who calls the shots and who submits. Why? Well let's look at a family argument.
We, as good RPs, decided that homeschooling was the way to go. The public school was public enemy #1, and parents who gave their children over to the state were handing them over to the devil. Since homeschooling was "God's Way", we should expect that everything would work out, but in second grade, homeschooling our eldest was heading for disaster. We opted for an "enrichment program" for third grade that was created even more friction. Two months in, my wife had enough and wanted to enroll her in public school. We discussed it quite a bit and we both gave in somewhat. We researched the schools around us and decided on our top preferences. The top school had a waiting list a mile long, the second school was good, but we couldn't get her in until the next Fall, and our default school had relatively poor ratings of teachers and administration. So, I gave up the homeschool is best philosophy, and my wife stuck it out until the Fall to enroll in the school we both agreed was better. After that, we've never looked back, even for the other children, all of whom opted for public school.
Now this seems like a reasonable approach, but things could easily have been different for the RP macho husband and the RP submissive wife. Consider Doug Wilson's article here (he did "retract" it here, although only this specific example rather than the thrust of his argument)
She can learn on a representative problem. She would be overwhelmed with a requirement that she change everywhere, all at once. If, for example, the problem is one of poor housekeeping, he should require something very simple, i.e. that the dishes be done after every meal before anything else is done.
The first time the dishes are not done, he must sit down with his wife immediately, and gently remind her that this is something which has to be done. At no time may he lose his temper, badger her, call her names, etc. He must constantly remember and confess that she is not the problem, he is. By bringing this gently to her attention, he is not to be primarily pointing to her need to repent; rather, he is exhibiting the fruit of his repentance.
So, here, the role of the authoritative husband is to tell his wife what her duties are, in this case, keep the house clean. If she neglects her duties as assigned by her husband, he needs to remind her that those are her duties (because he said so) and that she needs to do them. If she persists in her "rebellion", then he needs to call for reinforcement (church discipline).He does this, without rancour and without an accusative spirit, until she complies or rebels. If she complies, he must move up one step, now requiring that another of her duties be done. If she rebels, he must call the elders of the church and ask them for a pastoral visit. When the government of the home has failed to such an extent, and a godly and consistent attempt by the husband to restore the situation has broken down, then the involvement of the elders is fully appropriate.
Even if the situation is far-fetched, the idea of authority is not. There is no real difference between wife and child, except perhaps for the means of discipline. The husband picks the stuff he wants to do, assigns the rest to his wife and when she fails to accomplish it takes her before the church. While many husbands and wives do enjoy the "traditional" separation of duties, Wilson baptizes them with some well-twisted scripture and makes them Biblical roles.
This is the same way we think of church authority(in fact all authority). The pastor and leaders decide what they want to do and then direct the church to do the rest. Those who drop everything to submit become the next generation of leaders, and those who don't stay bottom-feeders or worse.
If the dishes need to get done and my wife is putting the kids to bed, will God strike me down if I dare get my hands soapy? Or is the family a team effort? Is this within my authority?
The symptoms can of course vary. He may be distressed over her spending habits, television viewing habits, weight, rejection of his leadership, laziness in cleaning the house, lack of responsiveness to sexual advances, whatever.Seriously? "Hey honey, you seem to have gained a few pounds, go get on the treadmill or I'm gonna call the pastor on you!" Is that the model of leadership Jesus displayed? In John 13, we first see an affirmation of Jesus's authority:
Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, got up from supper, and laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself.Also consider Mark 10:
Calling them to Himself, Jesus said to them, “You know that those who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them; and their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all.In our standard Pharisaical way, we flip this on our head - you see the husband "serves" his wife by the proper use of his authority (i.e. lording it over her), just as the church leaders "serve" their congregation through dictate and fear of church discipline. Jesus instead demonstrated his authority by taking the job all of his disciples considered beneath them.
In fact, I think this may change the way we should look for church leaders. Instead of looking for people who are found leading every charge, maybe we should be looking for the ones who are found cleaning up afterwards?
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