Understanding abuse

We considered one facet of an abusive system - that is changing the value system from our value in Christ's economy to a false value system based on some proxy. Different abusive systems will place different stumbling blocks in front of the victims from which their value is defined. Mostly those stumbling blocks revolve around providing the abuser a sense of worth.

So, yes, in the RP church, there is an abusive system where the leadership desires recognition of their superior spiritual gifts, their superior theological knowledge and their superior external righteousness. The system is very comfortable for those who play by the unwritten rules, but very uncomfortable for those who don't send the proper warm fuzzies to the leaders and self-deprecate themselves.

But... what tools do RP leaders use to abuse their members? Really, it is the core of the abusive system. Abuse happens because of the corrupted value system, but the abuse itself is defined by taking improper authority to oneself and/or enforcing authority in improper ways.

Let's consider child abuse. A parent tells a child to clean the room. This is well within the rights of the parent. If the child refuses, there are God-appointed mechanisms the parent can use to encourage the child to submit to the proper authority. But... let's say the parent locks the child in a closet for the rest of the day. What would we say to that?

So, here we might say that the parent has a God-appointed right to enforce a family rule - a clean room. But... how the parent enforces that rule goes well beyond scripture and is actually abusive.

I'll avoid parenthood a bit to explain the other facet. Two cyclists were riding side-by-side on a road in Ohio. An Ohio police officer told the riders to ride single file. When they refused, he tried to arrest them and ultimately tasered one of the riders. http://www.ohiobikelawyer.com/uncategorized/2010/07/tasered-cyclist-settles-civil-rights-lawsuit/

In this case, the Ohio Supreme Court ruled that, while officers have the right to arrest and taser if they are properly enforcing the law, the officer was enforcing a law that did not exist (riding single file), and the escalation of the law enforcement was illegal. In other words, if "riding two abreast" was illegal, the officer would have acted appropriately, but since "riding two abreast" was legal, the officer had no right to enforce the law. He was usurping authority.

So, we see here the two facets - abuse being claiming a right that does not exist, and abuse being enforcing a right using improper means.

In the RP church, both these happen regularly. I want to reiterate that not all RP leaders are abusive, but many of those who aren't don't stand against the abuse that happens. They assume that other leaders have a good heart and want the best for their members, not that perhaps those other leaders are upset because they got called out on some sin or have a member who doesn't pat their back as well as the others.

I think we all have examples of how our leaders went beyond their biblical authority, or enforced something in an abusive way. The RP church, of course, denies this simply by waving away many of the boundaries that the leaders should have. In other words, the boundaries do not matter as long as the process followed is correct. If I spank my child for not licking my feet, does the fact that spanking is okay make a difference? Well, not really, but that is the posture the church often takes. Presbytery and Synod generally only overrule in cases where the church is grossly overstepping its bounds or when there is an obvious breach of process. So, the most abusive leaders tend to be the ones who are the best at knowing and following the processes. But, there are sly abusers that can totally ignore the process as long as they can pretend to have a real "heart" for the sinner. Then, they get a pass on ignoring the law and order of the church because they were really trying to do the right thing.

All in all, the RP church is an abusive system that is set up to protect itself and its leaders. There are truly Godly men and leaders in the RP church, but I think they are brainwashed into thinking that their peers are just as Godly. Or they are convinced that unity within the church is more important than justice for an obstinate member. Or whatever. The point is that the abusive system survives because the leaders do not hold each other accountable and they prevent members from holding their leaders accountable. When those members vote with their feet, they slander them behind their backs - they were holding onto some unrepentant sin, they were insubordinate, they didn't value the wonderful RP distinctives. Maybe they were abused over and over and finally got fed up and left.

A false economy, part 2: theological knowledge

As I said in the previous article, part of an abusive system is shifting our focus from our worth and value in God's eyes to our worth and value according to some human scale. We can get blinded to the problem, because that thing is not, in and of itself, sinful, but finding our worth in that thing rather than our value in God allows the abuse to happen.

The second area I think the RP church struggles is in theological knowledge, or at least the assumption of theological knowledge. Again, interactions between Jesus and the Pharisees show some insight into this:

They brought to the Pharisees the man who was formerly blind. Now it was a Sabbath on the day when Jesus made the clay and opened his eyes. Then the Pharisees also were asking him again how he received his sight. And he said to them, “He applied clay to my eyes, and I washed, and I see.” Therefore some of the Pharisees were saying, “This man is not from God, because He does not keep the Sabbath.” But others were saying, “How can a man who is a sinner perform such signs?” And there was a division among them. So they said to the blind man again, “What do you say about Him, since He opened your eyes?” And he said, “He is a prophet.” The Jews then did not believe it of him, that he had been blind and had received sight, until they called the parents of the very one who had received his sight, and questioned them, saying, “Is this your son, who you say was born blind? Then how does he now see?” His parents answered them and said, “We know that this is our son, and that he was born blind; but how he now sees, we do not know; or who opened his eyes, we do not know. Ask him; he is of age, he will speak for himself.” His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jews; for the Jews had already agreed that if anyone confessed Him to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue. For this reason his parents said, “He is of age; ask him.” So a second time they called the man who had been blind, and said to him, “Give glory to God; we know that this man is a sinner.” He then answered, “Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see.” So they said to him, “What did He do to you? How did He open your eyes?” He answered them, “I told you already and you did not listen; why do you want to hear it again? You do not want to become His disciples too, do you?” They reviled him and said, “You are His disciple, but we are disciples of Moses. We know that God has spoken to Moses, but as for this man, we do not know where He is from.” The man answered and said to them, “Well, here is an amazing thing, that you do not know where He is from, and yet He opened my eyes. We know that God does not hear sinners; but if anyone is God-fearing and does His will, He hears him. Since the beginning of time it has never been heard that anyone opened the eyes of a person born blind. If this man were not from God, He could do nothing.” They answered him, “You were born entirely in sins, and are you teaching us?” So they put him out. (John 9:13-34)

The Pharisees claimed greater theological knowledge than this seemingly inferior formerly blind man. Yet, that man is able to demonstrate a better knowledge of the truth than they had. One might think that the Pharisees would see the wisdom in his statement, but instead, they take offense and put him out of the church. The Pharisees are the biblical poster children of a spiritually abusive system. They put many human measures in the place of true value, and they made sure they had the top spot in those measures.

But, this still happens today. Theological knowledge is not withheld from anyone who takes the time and energy to study God's Word. Yet, those with a certain pedigree or certain credentials in the RP church like to place themselves in a superior position above those without the pedigree or credentials. Symptoms of this in the RP church include:

• Inordinate focus on the preached word as a means of grace (Thanks, Westminster!)
• Concern that all formal and informal teaching in the church be done by ordained leaders
• Leaders who listen only to respond - completely one-sided theological conversations
• Discouraging discipleship that happens outside the formal church programs
• Discouraging debate on "controversial" theological issues except by approved leaders
• Churches that simply give in to whatever convictions the pastor holds
• Focus on the "spiritual gifts" and office of the leaders as a means to silence opposition
• Public shaming and disrespect of those who hold different theological views
• Looking down on those liberal Christians elsewhere who don't hold to RP distinctives.
• Potential leaders must be pushed on the congregation by the leaders

A false economy: shifting our eyes from Jesus to submission

My belief is that abuse and codependency have three facets. The first facet is what someone has a right to, and the second facet is what means they use to assert that right, and the third facet is changing the economy of worth.

In David Johnson's and Jeff Van Vonderen's excellent book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, they point to what is the most common shifting of the economy of worth in the church - external righteousness. When churches lose sight of Jesus as the source of their value and instead change the economy, bad things happen. Church discipline stops being about the heart of the matter - understanding our worth in Jesus and rekindling our love for Jesus - and starts being about changing our behavior, or else. But, there is also a positive side to this that I think the authors missed. It's not just that people are shamed for being visibly unrighteous, but they are also rewarded for being visibly righteous. People can be comfortable within an abusive system if they practice all of the visible rules (although they do note that many people still feel trapped when the leaders push more and more rules).

The authors note that the Pharisees are the prime example of spiritual abuse in the Bible, and it's clear that they created a system of external-only righteousness. But again, they did not touch on the reward system. For example,

Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. (Matt. 6:1-2)

Woe to you Pharisees! For you love the chief seats in the synagogues and the respectful greetings in the market places. (Luke 11:43)

So, the Pharisees shifted the economy of something that would normally be good (righteousness) into a punishment and reward system by which people were measured. But there was more to that. Jesus was ultimately murdered by the church leadership because he exposed the false reward system. He rewarded the "sinners" - those who were externally unrighteous, but loved Him, and He condemned the "righteous" - those who were externally righteous, but hated Him. Not only that, but he showed how they were hiding their unrighteousness by changing the rules for righteousness. For example,

He was also saying to them, “You are experts at setting aside the commandment of God in order to keep your tradition. For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother, is to be put to death’; but you say, ‘If a man says to his father or his mother, whatever I have that would help you is Corban (that is to say, given to God),’ you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or his mother; thus invalidating the word of God by your tradition which you have handed down; and you do many things such as that.”

We see here that the Pharisees destroyed something that was inherently good. They took righteousness and made it the ultimate currency in their religion, but because they couldn't meet their own standard, they manipulated the standards so that they appeared righteous. Not only that, but we see that when people call them out on their manipulation, those people get ostracized and worse.

In the RP church, I believe that there are three such currencies - all which are good when put in the perspective of a heart devoted to Jesus, but horrible when they take a live of their own. I plan to show the symptoms of each in the congregation.

Now, let's look at the impact of a false economy of submission. Submission to our leaders is good. God has put leaders over us to represent Him, and to guide us into righteousness. However, we need to be careful to not think anything more of leaders than we should or anything less of non-leaders than we should. The Bible says:

For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot says, “Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body,” it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “Because I am not an eye, I am not a part of the body,” it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired. If they were all one member, where would the body be? But now there are many members, but one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; or again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. (1 Cor. 12:14-26)

This is yet another example where the Bible turns the economy on its head. People with the gifts of leadership are going to be naturally more honored within the church, but we need to be careful not to honor them too much and we need to be careful that we honor those who do not have such visible and desired gifts. Yet, what do we do in the RP church? We go the extra mile to heap honor on those who are the heads and we ignore those who are the hands and feet. This is tearing the church apart.

Just as our secular courts favor the rich and powerful over the weak, our church courts refuse to look objectively at the sins of the leaders. Instead, the members are charged with insubordination. It doesn't matter whether the leaders had the right to obedience or not, the members are still insubordinate if they do not blindly obey their leaders. The same goes for families and work.

Again, it's not just about submission, but about honor and worth. In our economy of leadership, the leaders are spiritually superior to the members, not equals with different roles. That is why treatment of women in the RP church is such a farce. We pay lip service to equals with different roles, but then we apply this false economy of spiritual superiority, which relegates the women to a spiritually inferior role. When women complain about this mistreatment, we just say that they are insubordinate and trying to usurp the role of their husband.

Nice leaders and the abusers they support.

If there is one rule in the RP church, it's that people have to be nice. This sets the church up for the most vile abuses, because the abuser can always figure out how to reframe the abuse so that the victim gets blamed. So, abusers thrive and victims get ostracized and shunned.

In my experience, the most common abuse that happens in the RP church is from those in authority to those under authority - elder->member, husband->wife, parent->child. These kinds of abuses are common to humanity, so there's no real shock there, but the problem is how the church deals with those abuses.

I relayed some of the abuse I suffered as a child, and my pastor simply said "well, we don't agree." In other words, I think I was abused, my pastor disagrees. End of story. But, why would he disagree? Well, I'm the one who is angry about my abuse, and my anger is sinful, therefore the abuse itself is a non-issue. So, it's a no-win situation for the victim.

So, in each situation, the abuser or their nice, supporting leader can deflect the issue of abuse onto the victim of the abuse. Here are some techniques:

#1 Anger/Bitterness. If the abuser can portray the victim as angry or bitter, then the leader will focus on the victim's sin and refuse to deal with the abuser until the victim repents. Before the victim "acted out", everything was happy in the church, and it's the victim's anger that has destroyed the peace. (Peace, peace where there is no peace!) The abuser then gets rewarded for having to suffer through the sin of the victim and the result is that right is wrong and wrong is right!

#2 Obedience. A perceived lack of obedience can be used to justify all sorts of wrong. Abuse generally starts when the abuser demands obedience for something they have no right to. But, the RP church almost never questions the abuser, except in extreme cases. I believe this is a flaw in the Westminster standards, that don't even mention the concept of abuse. This is what I expect happened with my pastor. My description of my abuse went into the "parent has the right to demand obedience" filter and never came out. The beating and humiliation I received for "disobedience" was justified and my anger was not (back to #1), so my pastor takes the nice approach and politely disagrees.

#3 The person who raises the issue is the issue. Part of the "nice" vibe in the RP church is that people who speak out against wrong are not being nice, therefore there is a good chance that they will be opposed with or without reason. Pastors have to pick and choose their battles, or they get labeled as troublemakers and ignored. So... why waste political capital trying to defend an angry victim when you might get forced to oppose some serious theological problem in the future? But, the Bible says "Open your mouth for the mute, For the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And defend the rights of the afflicted and needy." (Prov. 31:8-9)  Defending victims is hard and unpopular, which is why so few do it!

In addition to these tools for the abusers, there is a vicious cycle around worthlessness. I described in a previous post how worthless I felt trying to live up to the church standards and be a good member. I think this goes both ways.

The leaders feel that their worth is based on having members who look like Christians and are doing all the right things. Those leaders try to push their members to do more and more because there are always churches doing one thing or the other better. There is always a leader who is more worthy and doing more with his congregation. So, the leaders resort to a form of legalism. Members who look outwardly righteous get approval and members who don't look outwardly righteous get disapproval. Members are encouraged to do more for the church and set the bar higher, while at the same time, those who are not contributing or not "growing" are "challenged" by the sermons to do more. Those who look the best are paraded in front of the congregation as potential leaders and receive praise in front of the congregation. Those who don't look so good are opposed and made to feel worthless. This feeds off itself, and pretty soon the congregation is full of people who look outwardly righteous, but internally are in shambles. They know that if they reveal any of their internal struggles, they will be shunned in the church. Every Sunday they feel more and more oppressed and condemned by all those around them and more judged by God.