We're not legalists, but we don't have grace.

Being in a legalistic church is initially very comforting. There's a list of dos and don'ts, and as long as you're following the rules and not messing up in obvious ways, you're on your path to Heaven! You read your Bible every day, check. Have family worship, check. Go to church every Sunday, check. If you've given your life to Jesus and you're following the RP rulebook, then things are great, right? As long as I do it with a smile pasted on my face?

Well, that's the wrinkle. NO! You're not great. Every Sunday, your pastor looks at the congregation and wonders why God isn't working mightily among you. He assumes that God isn't working because members are not following the program. So, he preaches "challenging" sermons. "If you really loved God, you would be on your knees in prayer an hour a day. Martin Luther prayed at least four, and look what great things he did! Charles Spurgeon had thousands of people beating down the doors to hear him preach. If we were just a little faithful, look what God would do in our midst!"

But, don't call RP's legalists! See, the RP definition of legalism is trying to earn salvation through works. So, as long as they're truly saved, shoving people back into rule following cannot be defined as legalism. Even if you go through life with a checklist and rulebook on how to live your life, you're not a legalist. See. God saved the Israelites from their sin through grace, so that He could nail them with the Ten Commandments and Deuteronomy!

Yes, I agree that every Christian has room for growth, and yes, we are full of sin.  But, our response to God is a result of the grace we have been filled with. God fills our spiritual tanks so that they overflow, and that overflow produces faithfulness and good works.  That is not what the RP church teaches. Instead, they teach that we must empty ourselves so that God can fill us back up. In other words, if you're not tithing until your family finances are broken, you're not faithful. If you don't say "yes" to the church leaders even when you know it will impact your family life, you're not faithful. God will not provide you the grace to serve Him unless you wear yourself to the point of exhaustion, or even beyond!

I've seen many burned out leaders and members over the years. There have been deacons who have committed suicide. I think they were on empty, and God wasn't filling them back up. They were told that they couldn't say no and then overwhelmed with the important work of the church.

I'm actually surprised that there aren't more RP suicides. I was taught I was worthless from day one. Somehow, the Seminary forgot to teach pastors that after we are Christians, we have great value to God. Maybe I wasn't there that week. All I heard week in and week out was, do more because you are a worthless maggot in God's eyes. Perhaps if you pray more, read your Bible more, give sacrificially and invite your friends to hear our Godly preacher, you might rise to the level of mostly worthless maggot. People who are more gifted (except for those who are children of leaders, of course) are especially targeted. If someone is a good student or talented in some other way, then the church needs to work extra hard on them to make them feel extra worthless. I considered suicide many times, but now I realize that's what the RP church seems to want. That would prove out everything they've taught - not that I'm an example of RP greatness, but that I didn't give everything because I harbored some selfishness to myself. We all are taught that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness, which I personally think is bogus. Maybe some people kill themselves as an act of defiance towards those around them, but I think more do it because all the people they respect have maintained an aura of worthlessness and despair.

Through an abusive RP church, my relationship with God has become so damaged that I can only mentally assent that God loves me. That is the truth I grasp onto while I continue to struggle with my worthlessness. I was taught that God was the ultimate disciplinarian. He just twiddles His thumbs all day (or a few milliseconds) until I screw up and then He goes into action making my life miserable until I repent. If God doesn't do it, then it's the responsibility of my parents and my church family to do the job for Him. I struggle with my prayer life because I've not been taught to expect God to do amazing things in my life. So prayer is my last resort, except if I'm repenting of some sin.

But... what about the Psalms??!!

     The most polarizing aspect about the RPCNA is exclusive psalmody. As someone who still exclusive psalmist, it was the primary thing that kept me in the church. When I mention what church I now go to, the number one response tends to be, what about the psalms?

     When I first visited my new church, the one thing that hit me was how free everyone seemed in worship. I spent the first couple weeks looking around more than I was looking at the words on the screen. Some lifted their hands, some were moving to the music. Some were sitting, bowed down. This was not my experience growing up. The attitude we had towards those who stood out in worship was that of selfishness - they were selfishly trying to get more out of worship than the others around them. They were selfishly putting themselves on a pedestal so that others would think they were super-Christians. Those who sang more loudly were show-offs.  Not surprisingly, the rule in RP worship is dead-pan stoicism. We stop our kids from doing the motions to "Praise ye the LORD" and shouting the "shout", because that's not appropriate for worship.

     I remember scoffing at the conference precentors who tried to get everyone to quiet down for "be still and know that I am God" or sing loudly in praise, or heaven-forbid trying to speed up or slow down the congregation. God was only to be praised through the beautiful four-part harmony sung as professionally as possible. (How dare they selfishly stand out!)

     I'm actually thankful that I went straight from psalms to praise songs with a rock band. My experience with hymns was that they are trying to match the depth and intricacy of the psalms, but they fail miserably in both depth and in theological truth. Like this favorite:

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

     Let's just say this wasn't speaking to me. I trust and I obey and yet my life is full of sorrow. I see others around me who trust and obey and they see grief and fear and doubt. But what do the psalms say?

You have put me in the lowest pit,
In dark places, in the depths.
Your wrath has rested upon me,
And You have afflicted me with all Your waves.
You have removed my acquaintances far from me;
You have made me an object of loathing to them;
I am shut up and cannot go out.
My eye has wasted away because of affliction;
I have called upon You every day, O Lord;
I have spread out my hands to You.

     In fact, Psalm 88 is one of the psalms that has no resolution. We don't see God swoop in and save the day. We don't see bubble-gum Christianity. 

     It amazes me that RP worship is so dull and lifeless when we see the heights and depths of emotions in what we sing. But... it is dull and lifeless.

     So, is it wrong for me to desire to worship God in spirit, even if I can't in "truth", when the RP church chooses to worship God in truth yet not in spirit? 

Missing the wave

     RPCNA conferences and retreats seem to be designed around one purpose - growing the youth to adulthood and leadership. There are of course a lot of problems around how this is done, but I'll dwell on my particular experience.

     The best way to become a leader in the RP church is to be born to a leader in the RP church - someone on the inside. If you're not the son of a pastor and don't have one of the esteemed last names, then your only chance is to grow up in one of the lead denominational churches and be identified as leadership material. If you're not in one of the lead churches, there are few opportunities to shine. Specifically, you need to catch the wave at the presbytery conferences.

     The typical presbytery conference has a revival meeting consecration service that encourages the youth to commit. Initially, it was committing to Jesus, but over the years it has become committing to leadership and ministry within the church. So, if you're not on the short list of already known leadership candidates, you can sign up by committing to the church at a consecration service.

     But... what if you've been around, aren't an obvious candidate and didn't get the hint to sign up? If you're past high school, you're toast. You can serve the church by showing up every Sunday and lending your back at work days, but you're not going to be leadership material. Yes, a few break the mold, but mostly these are converts from another church or new converts who are on fire. If you didn't get with the program in high school, you're damaged goods.