Gossip is not "negative stories"

 My working definition of gossip is "telling someone else's story without permission." This is a powerful definition for two reasons. First, it means that telling someone else's good news without permission is still gossip. We have experienced multiple instances where someone had good news, like a pregnancy, an engagement, or even a new job. Told their closest friends and family and then, before they could tell others, the news spread like wildfire and they were heartbroken. Some in our family wisely say something like, "We have this news. Please don't share this outside the family until we can tell the church on Sunday."

On the flip side, accusations of "tattling" are often confusing and destructive. If a kid gets bullied in school and goes to the teacher, many teachers will accuse the kid of tattling. I think this accusation is more of an "I don't want to deal with this, go away" shaming and silencing technique. If Johnny brings a knife to school, and Billy tells the teacher, is this somehow sinful?

I heard this became an issue for an RPCNA church. Members were talking to their elders about experiences they had with a leader. The elders decided that "negative stories" about leaders was just gossip, so they mostly ignored the stories. Members were leaving and the session kept hearing the same so-called "gossip".

At some point, the elders had this revelation. If a bunch of people are telling us the same thing about a leader, then maybe the problem is with the leader and not the members. Seemingly, they are still struggling with the "gossip" of the matter, but they really should not be.

That's why churches need to have good definitions. If a pastor punches me and I tell an elder, that's not gossip. If a pastor punches me and I tell another member. That's not gossip.

I can hear the counterpoint, and I've heard it in sermons. What if the member takes some sin to anyone in the congregation that will listen? It's still not gossip. Maybe it's overreacting, but in today's church, perhaps overreacting is better than silencing.

• What about the little kid who is asked to get in the car of some random church member? Is it gossip to tell someone?
• What about the teenage girl who was touched inappropriately? Gossip?
• What about someone who is told by an individual elder that the session is upset with him? Gossip?

I keep coming back to this thought. What is the point of damage control when everything the church tries to cover up will be exposed on judgment day? It suggests to me that these people are less concerned about judgment day and more concerned about their reputation in the world.

** EDIT **

I also want to make a point about actions. Perhaps what you do in a session with a medical practitioner or with an attorney is protected by privacy rights. When I act externally, those actions are not protected by privacy, and often not even in my own home - if I'm acting out against my children or spouse.

So, if I verbally abuse someone. I have no right to silence that someone from telling anyone they choose. Neither do I think the church has the right to silence them. The Bible may ask them to question their motive. Are they telling someone to seek help, are they telling someone to seek justice, or are telling someone as a form of retaliation and escalation. I think we need wisdom to discern, but the church should certainly not quash any person talking about harm done to them as some sort of malicious gossip.

This sort of silencing comes from the church wanting to be a whitewashed tomb and not a place of justice. If I abuse someone, the church listens to that someone, and the church brings justice - either repentenance and reconciliation or discipline on me, then the entire story is a story of justice. Why would the church not want to demonstrate justice? Because justice is also painful and messy. So, the church chooses to whitewash the abuse by re-victimizing the abused into silence. Now, however, the church has something to hide - the tomb - evidence that they care more about reputation than justice and they would rather be lazy than fight.